I only want a bloody torch!

I often head deep into the Australian bush and, at night, the blackness is total so it's advisable to have a quality torch with you. My current torch is nearing the end of its life and I decided to replace it; I'm happy to spend a goodly sum for my new torch but I do want a quality item.

So began my search....

In times gone passed if one wished to purchase a torch one went to the local shop where the conversation would go as follows: "I'd like to buy a torch please", "Certainly Sir; a small torch or a big torch", "Oh a big torch, I think", "Here you are Sir and this is the battery you'll need", "Thank you my good man here are some coins of the realm for your trouble". And one walked away with an adequate torch.

Nowadays! If one wishes to purchase a torch there is an initial choice to be made between incandescent (bulb) and LED; "eeerrrmmm LED I think, better light output and more robust". Having settled on LED and asked the Font of All Knowledge (internet) to lay before me the choices available I am faced with a bewildering array of options: should the manufacturer be Fenix, iTP, Tiablo, Nitecore, Lumapower, Zebralight or Dereelight? What light output do I need; 50 lumens, 90 lumens 180 lumens or 500 lumens? Should the torch run from AA batteries or CR123A lithium batteries? Do I need the "Tactical" model (I kid you not!) or will the "Regular" be adequate? Should it have the Cree 7090 LED or will the Osram part do? Do I need a "Constant current output control" or is "Pulse width modulation" better? What about the beam? Spotlight or wider with more light scatter? I only want a bloody torch!

Having reached bewilderment level seven it seems the only option now is to seek further guidance from the Font of All Knowledge. Using Google I search for reviews of my choices for possible purchase (Reviews!? Of a torch!? "It's a torch e'n it. It makes light dun it.") and discover a previously unknown movement of people dedicated to the subtle nuances of LED torches - we have a world filled with beauty, birds singing, flowers blooming, rivers flowing, great literature to read, beautiful women to make love with but these people create websites and write reviews about... torches! Weep Oscar, weep.

Finally the decision is made; the iTP C8 regular with variable light output, a microprocessor to control it and remember settings is my choice for $60. The credit card is tortured into submission and my shiny new torch is winging its way to me via Australia Post.

One has to wonder if the dazzling variety of choice in modern society is contributing to the massive stress levels of people and, indeed, do we _really_ need a choice of 58 almost identical torches? Bush Tucker Man had a great technique for making a flaming torch from Candle Nuts strung on a bit of old fencing wire... I wonder what its beam scatter ratio was?